Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)
The work will involve CBT. Recognise that you can name the “B” in you life. i.e. The Behaviours. They may include: Viewing porn in magazines, the internet, cybersex, webcams, telephone sex, masturbating, prostitutes, kerb crawling, voyeurism, etc. But are you aware of the “C” in your life which drives the “B“? Before the Behaviours, are the Cognitive stuff going around in the mind. What you are dwelling on in the mind, (unconsciously or consciously aware of) will become the thing you act upon at some point – as the Cognitive becomes actual Behaviours.
What is “Acting Out”? The Cognitive stuff are Triggers which start from step 1 and increase to step 5. My then the Behaviours will inevitably manifest and show themselves from step 6 to 10. The Acting out is done. Therefore recognise the Acting out at step 1 and start at step 1 to fight back.
Sex & the Internet
Has sex addiction behaviours escalated or is it my imagination? Let’s look at a timeline of developing technology in relation to sexual acting out:
|Pre-Historic period||Cave men drawings on walls!|
|Pre-1860||Erotic drawings, sometimes taking the form of paintings and Art. Sexual expressions were very private and hidden, behind closed doors. Erotic writings available to the elicit classes. Other cultures have drawings depicting sexual poses.|
|1860s – 1970s||Bathhouses, still photography images of the human body available with the advent of the camera, initially in black & white. Porn magazines and newspapers portraying nudity available and 8mm film projector moving images and under the counter explicit porn material.|
|1977 – 1990||Video (VHS or Beta), phone sex, soft core porn on cable TV in the privacy of the home. Adult and Escort adverts in magazines, newspapers and yellow pages.|
|1990 – 2004||Online bulletin board ads, proliferation of porn websites, prostitutes, Chat room, interactive sex through webcams, cybersex, online hook ups with sexual partners. 2nd life virtual world of your interactive creation.|
|2004 – Present||Sexting, virtual games and use of console and equipment for long distance stimulation, teledildonics, live video streaming from smart phones, smartphones with GPS to locate sex partners, lap dance clubs, social networking sites used for sexual outlets.|
Technological advancements lead to sexual behavior escalation with increased access, affordability, availability, privacy and normalizing of behaviours without serious stigma.
Technological Advancement – How long to reach audience of 50 million users:
|The World Wide Web||4 years|
|Social Networking||16 months|
|Smart Phone Apps||9 months|
Maybe recovery in a residential setting is either not feasible for you or not required, but more intensive sessions, meeting a number of sessions per week, does appeal. Contact me to discuss.
Workshop for women partners of sex addicts
Next workshop begins Saturday 25 March 2017
Weekly over 8 weeks
…all my gratitude and thanks to you and the work you are doing in the world. I contacted you in shame and confusion, concerned about the potential for this “thing” to take over my will and create havoc and deep upset in my life. I came to the end of our time together with understanding, tools and a knowledge that I am in charge – what a gift! I appreciate your patient listening and explaining, your flexibility around my process. As well as having a “handle” on addiction. I have found a new energy around personal development and spirituality as I have let go of the self-soothing that kept things in place, I no longer need. For all this I am very grateful.August 2015
Email me to receive your FREE copy of an article: “What I wish I’d known before watching porn”
Relationship Counselling and Sex Therapy
Models of counselling styles offered include: EMDR, Transactional Analysis, Pyschodynamic, Systemic and CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) from a relationship counsellor, sex therapy (psychosexual therapy), sex addiction & love addiction therapy.
Do you want counselling from a Christian perspective? Then do contact me.
Counselling available online via Skype and VSee, or face to face in the South West.
Dear Sex Addiction,
You have existed in my life since 2002…you have been the thing I have treasured in my heart in secret like rubies hidden deep within a fathomless cavern, only findable and reclaimable by me and me alone. 2002 marked pain, isolation from good friends, I had just lost my best friend… Dad was rude, disrespectful and unkind to Mum, which aroused hatred towards him in me and I felt alone. Each morning waiting for the school bus I was taunted and made to feel ashamed as the bullies raised a new round of relentless questioning of my sexuality that I wasn’t even ready to consider for myself. In these dark times you were my only friend, the soother of my pain.
…you have been my go-to strategy for dealing with pain, hardship, rejection, fear and anxiety, even at the cost of hurting those that I love and even myself….as I dug deeper I found an array of even more exciting gems, those that were more beautiful and intoxicating than I could have imagined; sapphires, diamonds and emeralds….I hadn’t even planned on searching for.
Yet it seemed the deeper I dug, the less you fulfilled the promises you made to me. The very gems that intoxicated me had become toxic, not only directing the desires of my heart but controlling them beyond all logical reasoning. By 2006 we had been on this journey for barely four years, and yet it was as though you had been in my life since my first steps, and perhaps you had, glinting at me from the dark unknown.
You were potent, you were persuasive, and you began to eat away at truth day by day, desensitizing me to what you really were and corrupting my God given soul. I had thought my mining was harmless, free and innocent – a luxury just for me, but instead I was trading away my soul for a lie that you would fulfil me, that you would make me happy and feel the euphoria I sought.
….saying a final goodbye is hard. February 23rd 2016 marked a day where I had reached a new low in my cavern, as realisation washed over me and flushed the gemstone illusion from my mind. I had hit rock bottom and an ultimatum, requiring me to decide between my marriage and my addiction…… You would have had it that I keep you at the side line, ready when needed, but the truth is that I no longer need you. Yes I have no need for your soothing anymore, I have recovery, and I have healing… The truth is the darkness of the mine has been shattered and a burning flame has illuminated the reality of what you are.
If I had continued in my addiction, I would have walked a path of increasing isolation from friends, family and God. I would have added to the burden, the pain and the shame and the guilt already in my life. Those “colourful gems” would have washed and drained all the colour and enjoyment out of the world around me, as I would have sunken deeper and deeper into the mire and spiralling desperation of Sex Addiction. My world would have ended in disaster, complete and total isolation, maybe even my death.
You have already cost me enough, nearly my marriage. Certainly too many years in my life have you plagued and trampled over all the God given goodness. My relentless search for euphoria had left me numb, hurting and unable to appreciate real and true beauty. Even my own sexuality had become twisted and frayed, infecting all areas of my life and body like a virus.
Now I am redeveloping my ability to see in colour, each day I live anew I see the beauty of God’s creation around me and I have learnt to be thankful for the continual renewing he is doing in my heart and mind each day. My marriage has flourished, and as I have lifted my world of resentments, self-absorption and shame, I now can invest more fully in the relationships with those that I love…….
It is time to say goodbye. Without good reason this would be the hard bit, but I can honestly say that I have many more reasons to say goodbye to you now than I have for you to remain in my life. You see I know where your path will take me, it will lead me to destruction and utter misery. I have now entered a brave new world, the unexplored world free from the grapple of Sex Addiction. In giving you up I am released to live my life as God intended, in harmony and community with the people God has put in my life. I am de-burdened from the crippling shame and guilt and I am truly happy and hopeful for the road that lies ahead.
Although the future won’t be without challenges, I now have the support of close family and friends to walk alongside me in this journey, and a loving God, who was always willing to purge me of my dross, and patiently waited until I was ready to flee from you.
I cannot live the future in constant regret of the past, what has happened has happened, but from the pain and compulsion of the cavern I emerge a stronger human being, a being ready to face the world around me. To be weak, to be compassionate and without fear, shame or secrecy.
So here we are, as I write to you now, I don’t feel euphoric, I don’t feel the “heady buzz” of the gems of the past, but I do feel happy. I feel at last at peace with myself, and I feel a feeling better than an unobtainable euphoria, I feel serenity. ….So Sex Addiction this is Goodbye.A goodbye to sex addiction letter