Love Addiction

Love Addiction

Love addiction is very real

Mostly seen in women, the Love addict has very intense emotions including anger, fear, hate and love for the other person. At its root hides issues of childhood insecure bonding and attachment to a significant carer (often a mother). In all respects it is an Addiction which requires treatment in therapy.

Love addiction focuses on love as the solution to inner pain, loneliness and emptiness by creating relationships or romance which are consuming pastimes.

Love addiction can be defined as an attempt to regulate ones mood by getting and having the positive regard of someone else.

Someone has said that “The chief cause of unhappiness is trading what we want most for what we want at the moment”.

In William Shakespeare’s “Twelfth Night”, Duke Orsino is upset that his courtship attempts with Olivia is not going well and asks for an abundance of love so that he will lose his appetite. He says:

“If music be the food of love, play on;

Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,

The appetite may sicken, and so die.”

Women & porn

“….it’s still the men’s world, but statistics show that more than one-third of pornography viewers are women. Just last week, I received an email from a girl who leads a small women’s group; they’d just discovered that every single one of them were watching porn.

…I wish someone would have told me that the kind of pornography you’re most turned on by is usually linked to a corresponding hurtful event in your life

…I wish someone would have told me pornography would normalize things I wasn’t emotionally or physically ready to handle in my relationships with men, making me feel like I had no options or control over my sex life, filling me with much regret and physical pain

…I wish someone would have told me I would begin to objectify men, build up images in my mind and think of sex day in and day out…

…I wish someone would have told me it would make me feel less valuable to men and bring up insecurities for years in the bedroom

…I wish someone would have pointed out pornography can establish your sexuality completely apart from real-life relationships, causing huge problems in your intimacy with real significant others

…I wish someone would have explained what “sexual anorexia” was and that countless young men are unable to get erections because they’ve been watching porn since they were around 14 years old.

…I wish someone would have told all the men I’ve dated that the porn they are watching is keeping them from being turned on by me, ultimately destroying our relationship

…I wish someone would have told me that the dopamine and oxytocin being released from my watching certain types of pornography would cause me to question my sexual orientation, which in turn cost me relationships with friends

…I wish someone would have told me it would subtly create a “victim” mentality in my mind, causing me to be even more sensitive than I already was to catcalls, whistles, and even sincere compliments

…I wish someone had talked about how women watch it too”

Lauren Dubinsky

Email me to receive your FREE copy of an article: “What I wish I’d known before watching porn”

Workshop for women partners of sex addicts

Next workshop begins Saturday 25 March 2017

Weekly over 8 weeks

Find out more

Relationship Counselling and Sex Therapy

Models of counselling styles offered include: EMDR, Transactional Analysis, Pyschodynamic, Systemic and CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) from a relationship counsellor, sex therapy (psychosexual therapy), sex addiction & love addiction therapy.

Christian Counselling

Do you want counselling from a Christian perspective? Then do contact me.

Counselling available online via Skype and VSee, or face to face in the South West.

Dear Sex and Love Addiction,

It’s time for us to part, forever.
Goodbye, so long, be gone, don’t look round I’m not wavering, cheerio, it is done.
It is finished; I understand you, I see you for what you are, I don’t need or want you.
We can no longer be friends because you are a tedious distraction and a liar.

You might offer some saturation in happy woozy oozy feelings, but right next to that you bring confusion, isolation, longing, pining, which can never be met. You remind me of what I seek- unity with the Divine and then snatch that from me, into the embrace of want and lust. If I have to part from the dizzy wooziness so be it, no regrets. It comes with too big a price.

You have wasted so much of my time, damaged my body and turned me into a killer. With you for company I have behaved like an unfeeling, all consumed, callous bitch. Nothing else mattered. I tricked and conned people, I stole their hearts, I lied, I hurt them and honestly sometimes I didn’t care. When I did care it was unbearable. Crippling guilt- you forgot to mention that would be an outcome!

I feel clear in my moving on. I have known you for many years, but without help couldn’t see you 100% clearly, I didn’t know how to find myself and my power and to move you out of my life. But I found that help and I know for certain now that:
I am in control of my life not you.

I feel free, I feel like I get to choose.
My love for people is bigger not smaller, my capacity is not diminished. I give up the soothing and stroking you offered because they were poor coping methods. They created problems and they held in feelings of anxiety that were ready to leave me. Goodbye anxiety. Goodbye shame and narcissism too, you can all move out together.

I know there was a tender little girl that was seeking for a need to be met and I honour her efforts. This addiction saw me through some harsh times, it provided fun and humour, risk and adventure. All these things are still in my capacity and I hold on to the good stuff; including a feminine and masculine sexuality which loves intimacy, lets energy move, connects, reassures, holds. I welcome my ecstatic connection with the infinite, however and wherever it may manifest.

Goodbye forever sex and love addiction. I no longer need or want you or feel confused by you. You have no role, you take up room.

A goodbye to sex and love addiction letter, written by a woman after 9 months therapy with Gary McFarlane and Kairos Services and following a transformational dance (5 Rhythms) to express the story and journey


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